Grown Up Math
by distantmuse
Summary: It wasn't about a curling iron or his ugly ties. She was forcing him into a fight for a much bigger reason. Fig/Caputo (Takes place during the Season 6 finale, so don't read if you haven't seen it.)


" _Where the fuck is my curling iron?"_

It wasn't really about a curling iron.

" _You are a grown man. You should be able to dress yourself by now."_

It wasn't about ties either. (They were both fucking ugly.)

" _This is real, and real scares the crap out of you."_

It was because it had all become more real than Joe realized. "Real" for Natalie had come in the form of the pink plus sign that had appeared in a tiny window so quickly that she figured it had to be a fluke.

Until it happened four more times. 99% accuracy times five equaled the truth.

The plus sign. Her plus a tiny being? Him plus her equaled the tiny being? What the hell else did him plus her even equal?

She'd wanted to be a mother, but she never imagined it'd happen this way; she had no clue what his feelings were on fatherhood. It wasn't something they talked about. Then, there was the fact that she was still _married_ to a _public figure._ Was this positive actually a positive or a negative?

(Math was never Natalie's favorite subject.)

When their "relationship" started as fucking, they had used protection unfailingly. Around the time that Joe started calling her his girlfriend, they'd gotten sloppy. Mostly they used it, but sometimes, they didn't.

(Okay, it was more like 50/50.)

She'd never even gotten pregnant when she was _actively trying_ , so she wasn't considering the possibility with the two of them _not trying_ , just having indiscretions at random. She'd been angry at him first, then at herself. Accidental pregnancies happened to teenagers. Both of them were over 40. What were the odds?

(5% each month, she'd discovered later.)

Natalie found herself at getting used to the idea of the pregnancy, even though she'd briefly debated an abortion. This was what she had _wanted._ To be a mother. Just because it wasn't how or when (or even with _whom_ ) she wanted or expected didn't change that.

But she was more terrified than she'd ever been in her life, and she didn't know how to handle it. Natalie didn't know if Joe wanted to be a father, and the last thing she needed was for him to feel bound to her out of obligation. The situation was a mess, and her response was to shut down.

Natalie had purposefully been "bigger bitch than normal," as Joe had pointed out, to push him away – to put back up the walls that he'd broken down by singing Springsteen to her at a karaoke bar, waking her with coffee in bed every morning, talking to her and genuinely wanting to hear what she had to say. Keeping people out was one of the things she did best.

It had seemed that it had worked, even though tears fell down her face the second she made it through the front door and out onto his porch.

Shutting him out was harder on her than she thought it would be.

* * *

The PolyCon event bored and annoyed Natalie. Being at Linda's three-ring circus wasn't her idea of a great time. She kept thinking about how she left things with Joe. He deserved to know he had a child, didn't he?

She'd also already heard the verdict of Taystee's trial, and she knew he had to be devastated, with all of the work he had put into trying to prove her innocence. Natalie would never admit it, but she was worried about him.

"Do you need another glass of champagne?" Jason interrupted her thoughts and gestured to the still-full glass that she held between her thumb and forefinger. "Oh. You haven't touched that one. You okay?"

Natalie followed his eyes to the champagne flute that she'd been carrying around with her the whole event without so much as sipping, very aware of the little hijacker she carried inside of her. "Oh, you know. It's just… Bad champagne."

Jason looked at her as though she had grown a second head. "It's Dom Perignon, which you love."

"Well, it's…" Natalie racked her brain, trying to think of a different lie.

Why was he so damn interested, _now_? It was the most interest he'd shown her in years.

She'd never been so happy to see someone walk over to schmooze with them. The PolyCon executive immediately took Jason's attention away from her, much to her relief. She pretended to be interested in the conversation, but she had glazed over right before Joe stumbled in, which only added to the shock of seeing him as she snapped back into reality.

* * *

" _So, you finally bought the coat, huh?"_

" _Shut up, Joe."_

"Why the hell won't this blood come off of your face?" Natalie asked, frustrated. "I feel like Lady MacBeth."

"You are harboring _that_ much guilt about something?" Joe chuckled.

She paused.

"I'm pregnant." Natalie blurted out, focusing her eyes under his nose where she continued to dab at the blood incessantly. "It's yours, and I'm keeping it."

Joe grabbed her hand, stilling the bloodied cocktail napkin that she was clutching so tightly that her knuckles had turned white. "What? You're sure?"

"Only five positive pregnancy tests and throwing up every morning sure." Natalie quipped.

"Wow." Joe sat back, raking his hand through what was left of his hair.

"You don't need to do anything." Natalie added quickly. "I'm not asking you for anything. I can take care of the baby myself."

"Nat, you're my girlfriend." Joe took her hand and held it in his. "This is _our_ baby. Of course I'm going to be part of this."

"You don't have to be." Natalie whispered. She didn't want to admit to herself that she really _needed_ him to be.

"I _want_ to."

"You don't have to feel obligated to…"

"You know I've fallen for you, right, Natalie?" Joe smirked. "You're a smart woman. Tell me you've figured that out by now."

Her only response was a small smile as he stood up and kissed her on the forehead.

"You do look different…" Joe examined her face. "You're almost…"

Natalie held her hand up. "If you say I am glowing, you will have _more_ blood on your shirt. I have a kickass right hook myself."

Joe ignored her, a smile spreading across his face. "I'm going to be a father."

Natalie rolled her eyes as Joe rested a hand on her stomach. Apparently, she hadn't needed to worry at all, because he was pawing at her flat stomach with a goofy grin on his face. He was definitely happy.

"You realize my uterus is still tucked behind my pelvic bone, and the baby is the size of a blueberry, right? All you're touching right now is the kale and quinoa salad I had for lunch." Natalie tried to wiggle away from him.

"But it's _my_ blueberry. Our blueberry. Just let me have this for a moment, okay?" Joe said quietly. He'd never told her about the "avocado" his former girlfriend had been pregnant with – the one that had turned out not to be his.

Natalie opened her mouth to make another smart remark, but something about the bittersweet look in his eyes stopped her. "Okay."

She stood there awkwardly for a moment, allowing him to caress her abdomen lightly until she couldn't stand the cheesy silence anymore without punctuating it with sarcasm.

"So, you know; it's ironic."

"What's that?" Joe finally looked away from her stomach and back up at her.

"I just _finally_ spent $800 on this coat, and this is the only time I'll be able to wear it before I swell up like a fucking Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon."

Joe chuckled and pulled her in for a kiss. She let him.

"Shut up, Natalie."

* * *

 _This was a one-shot I just wanted to play with because I already wrote a Figputo pregnancy/baby fic (Life Sentence), but in that one, he figures it out before she can tell him… So, I thought I'd try it the other way. :) Thank you for reading!_


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